I’ve been thinking lately about friends. It’s common knowledge that true friends are a lifeline to improved mental health.

Picture a target. The goal is to hit the bullseye, the small circle in the center. Now, think of the target as representing people in your life. The individuals in the bullseye are your closest, dearest, and most important. You trust and love them—you have each other’s back. People you
choose to include in your “inner circle” are crucial for your wellness. They are the people you would call in the middle of the night if you needed help, and vice versa.

The next circle out might include people you have a close connection with and consider them good friends. It might even include co-workers and neighbors.

The next circle could be healthcare providers, customers, or online friends.

The outside circle consists of people you know and speak with, and you would miss them if they were gone, but your world does not rotate around or with them.

It’s your inner circle that matters the most—your bullseye. Those are the people you need the most, depend on, and take care of. They are the ones you give to and receive from.

What often causes us distress is we can have people in our inner circle who do not have us in their inner circle. We might be in their third or fourth circle, which creates inequality. We want them close, and they keep us at a distance. We want to see or visit with them often, and they’re happy if we connect once or twice a year with a phone call or text.

We genuinely need to be guardians of our bullseye. When we are children, out of necessity, our family or caregivers are naturally front and center. As we become adults, we start including friends, and family might stay in the prestigious inner circle or move to the outer rings. As life continues, people naturally exchange positions.

The goal is not to have everyone in your inner circle. Everyone does not deserve to be there. Being in someone’s inner circle is earned, and a healthy inner circle is not crowded. Don’t stretch yourself too thin.

Sometimes, people you want and believe to be in your inner circle leave—that’s painful. Examples are divorce, conflict, and people who move, die, or change.

Be selective and fluid when building and rebuilding your inner circle—it holds your heart. You are the chooser—be choosy. Also, be specific: know who resides in your inner circle. Don’t waste time on people you can’t be yourself with or those who treat you unkindly, but don’t be so picky you’re in there alone—nobody’s perfect.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.

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