What is your reaction if your spouse yells at you, your child does or says something upsetting, your co-workers exclude you from after work events, or someone defames your character with gossip or lies?
If you react within a normal range, you probably feel anger– fear, frustration, hurt, or unfairness. You might want to retaliate by hurting them in return or isolate yourself to avoid getting hurt again.
Consistent good mental health involves recovering from whatever life deposits in one’s path. Frank Sinatra gave us one solution in his lyrics, “Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.”
How do we do that?
Some typical solutions for developing the skill of regaining mental wellness after being hurt by an upsetting event: kick a tree, scream in the pasture, forgive, pray, focus on solutions, not the pain and hurt, call a friend, and take good physical care of yourself – eat colorful foods, (not
M&M’s) control any addictive tendencies such as overeating or over-drinking alcohol, get plenty of sleep, and exercise.
Often, we can do all of the above-listed suggestions, and still, what someone did to us continues to hurt and interfere with ourquality of life.
What can we do?
If all else fails, try compassion.
A wise friend once told me, “Sometimes we need to know that people who hurt us are possibly operating out of pain, and if we can feel compassion for their life situation, whatever that is, even if we don’t know what it is, we can move past their hurtful behavior.” She said, “Do
not keep the story alive by talking about it – let it die.”
I know, all too well, those are wise words.
Stop speaking all the details and repeatedly say to yourself and anyone who asks, “I’m not sure what is happening; I only know she (he) is coming from the point of pain.”
It is a statement of compassion, and it calms the heart. It might make little sense, but it helps. It’s essential to remember kindness is not always easy, primarily when hurtful actions or words are directed at you or someone you love. It takes continued conscious effort.
You can feel like a victim when what someone says or does affects you in the middle of your chest. Not only can it affect our mental wellness, but it can also cause physical pain. None of that is what you want! Try repeating what my friend taught me and see if it helps you: Stop talking about it and say, “His (her) actions came from the point of pain.”
As in all of life, keep searching if one effort doesn’t work. There IS a solution, and it could be compassion.
Until the next time: Live while you live.
Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.
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