Wanting to belong stretches boundaries

If you say, “Yes” when you want to say “No!” you need better boundaries. If you don’t stop or step out of a bad situation, you need better boundaries. If you sense that someone expects you to give them your last dollar or the only ten minutes you have free all day, you need better boundaries. If you are more concerned with someone else’s happiness, you guessed it: You need better boundaries.

John Bradshaw, in his book, “Bradshaw on the Family,” describes boundaries as strong, weak and broken. Using the metaphor of a door with a doorknob, someone with strong boundaries has the doorknob between themselves and the door. A person with weak boundaries has the doorknob on the outside of the door, and a person with broken boundaries has no doorknob. They have no sense of control or safety. They often are unable to see themselves as separate individuals. Broken boundaries are often called enmeshment; one cannot tell where s/he ends and someone else begins.

Having good healthy boundaries is a learned skill. You need to teach people how to treat you. You are NOT responsible for how someone else treats you, they are. But, you ARE responsible for having boundaries that make their behavior acceptable or unacceptable. If someone treats you with unacceptable words, behavior, or expectations it is because they can – you let them.

Two basic human needs can contribute to poor boundaries: our need to be accepted and our fear of rejection. We want people to like us. If doing what someone wants means we are accepted and a part of the group, saying no is very difficult. Call it peer pressure or human nature or immaturity, wanting to belong contributes to weak and broken boundaries.

Build your boundaries. Practice saying no. Look in the mirror and say ‘NO!” Practice, and notice that you don’t implode, and that it feels good even though it is awkward and uncomfortable.

Give yourself credit when you recognize something that you do not want to do, and you clearly say “No!” Having healthy boundaries not only helps keep you safe, but it helps you grow self-respect.

Remember that having good boundaries also means saying “Yes” when you really mean “Yes.” Life is to be enjoyed.

Until the next time: Live while you live