Speaking from the heart is essential

Will Rogers once said, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” That doesn’t work if you are trying to have a good relationship. If you want to be close to your spouse, or your children, or your friends, you must speak the truth of what is going on inside you.

Lack of effective communication skills is the basic problem facing every couple, and every child and parent who come for counseling when they have relationship issues. Helping them speak, hear, and feel what the person said was probably the most beneficial skill taught in my office.

We all yearn to be understood. It is a basic need. That is one reason internet relationships start; someone types what they are really feeling and thinking and someone else reads it and does the same back. We want to be heard and understood.

It is our responsibility to say the words that will help the people who live with us understand us. Nobody can read our minds, and our behaviors do not always reflect our emotions. For example: I can be yelling, or crying, or sitting quietly alone; you cannot tell what emotions lie behind any of my behaviors. You can guess. But, if I want you to know what I am truly feeling, I must tell you.

Speaking from the heart is not easy, but it is essential if one wants to be close to another person. We are always close to people who listen to us and who care about how we feel and what we think.

Abraham Lincoln said: “It is better to keep one’s mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and resolve all doubt.” That quote reflects what many of us have been taught and in some situations it is very accurate. But in personal relationships, we need to replace that quote with: “It is better to open one’s mouth and try, rather than to never open it and sacrifice closeness.”

People keep quiet for many reasons; they could be afraid of hurting someone, being embarrassed, making matters worse, having it come back to them as ammunition in a disagreement, or they could keep quiet because they don’t know exactly what words to use.

My suggestion: Just say it. You might say it wrong or not exactly as you mean it, but if you keep practicing you will get better. Take ownership of your emotions and speak with softness. The more appropriately you voice what you are thinking and feeling the healthier and happier you will be and the closer you will feel to the person you speak with.

I believe one of life’s greatest gifts is the close personal connections we have. Whether it be spouses, close friends, siblings, partners, or parents and children, having someone who knows the real you and likes/loves you anyway, that is the best life has to offer. If you can be who you really are and they can be who they really are, it is an authentic connection. If not, it is superficial and a hoax.

The success starts with each of us. Open your mouth, say the words, and let the people you care about know who you really are. Enjoy the benefits.

Until the next time: Live while you live!