If you say yes when you want to say no, you need better boundaries. You need better boundaries if you say nothing or stay in a relationship after being treated poorly. If you sense that someone expects you to give them your last dollar or the only ten minutes you have free all day, you need better boundaries. If you are more concerned with someone else’s happiness, you guessed it–you need better boundaries.

John Bradshaw, in his book, “Bradshaw on the Family,” describes boundaries as strong, weak, and broken. Using the metaphor of a door with a doorknob, someone with strong boundaries has the doorknob between themselves and the door. They choose what they do and who they let into their life. A person with weak boundaries has the doorknob outside the door where others have free access to come and go as they see fit. A person with broken boundaries has no doorknob. They have no sense of control or safety from either the inside or the outside. Others control them. They often are unable to see themselves as separate individuals. Enmeshment and co-dependent are terms often used to define people with no doorknobs.

Having healthy boundaries is a learned skill. If you learn you’re not lovable or that your wants, needs, and thoughts aren’t as valuable as someone else’s, challenge what you learned. You need to value yourself.

Others figure out, fast, if they can treat us disrespectfully, insignificantly, or invisibly. We aren’t responsible for someone else’s behavior—they are. But, we are accountable for our boundaries. People treat us the way we let them.

Two basic human needs can contribute to poor boundaries: the need to be accepted and the fear of rejection. Younger individuals feel this more strongly. As most of us get older, we likely care less about the opinion of others. We all want acceptance within our chosen groups, and none of us enjoys rejection. The fear of not being accepted leads us to say yes when we mean no. Call it peer pressure or human nature, wanting to belong contributes to weak or broken boundaries.

Build boundaries. Pay attention to how you feel in different situations. Start saying nice things about yourself to yourself. Practice saying no. See yourself saying no. Move your head from left to right, right to left. Look in the mirror and say “NO!” Practice. Notice you don’t disintegrate or evaporate—it feels good even though it is awkward or uncomfortable.

Now, use your new skill, and give yourself credit when you recognize something you don’t want to do, and clearly say “No.” Healthy boundaries not only help keep you safe but help you gain respect from others and, more importantly, enables you to grow self-respect.

Please remember good boundaries also mean you say “Yes&” when you mean “Yes.” We all desire enjoyable days, and clear boundaries (inside doorknobs) help it happen.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Powered by WPeMatico