If you want true love, share your true self

A friend my age has been in love and communicating with a guy for 50+ years. Yep, fifty years. He married in college and had kids; she worked, never married, and had no kids. His wife died unexpectedly—OMG, he was available.

After nearly a year of waiting a respectable time, he still had not mentioned her to his kids, and he busied himself with golf and guy things. Let me insert: sex was always off-limits because of religious beliefs.

When she was upset, I would suggest something, and she would answer, “Oh, I won’t say that. He would think I want to move in or get married, and I don’t.”

For years—I suggested things, and she said, “Yes, but.”

She finally heard me say, “You need to say the words! You will never have a fulfilling relationship with him if you don’t share what’s in your heart and mind. It is no honor to be loved if they love a pretense of the true you. Be yourself, and say the words. Allow him to love YOU.”

After a month of not seeing him, she invited him for dinner. That night, she texted me, “Thanks to you, we both realize how important talking and honesty are in building a loving relationship. Last night, he even brought up marriage, and we had the same discussion as you and I had, so he and I are on the same page there.

“He said these discussions about our feelings make him love me even more. I was afraid to say some of these things to him, and then you would ask me why I was not telling him what I was telling you. Once I started doing that, he started opening up more about his feelings, and we both feel much closer now.

“I don’t know where this will all go, but these talks make us feel better about our future.

“Thank you, and he thanks you too!”

She did it—she said the honest words—her worries, what hurt her, how she felt second, what she wanted, what she thought about him, and how she dreamed they could be.

They live close geographically, so they have seen each other and purged all their pent-up emotions, thoughts, and desires. They feel close and love each other—something they both wanted.

My message to you: Be yourself and share who you are with anyone you choose to be close to. Love, emotions, affection, desire, shared goals, forgiveness, and understanding never arrive on a silver platter. You must do the work–say the words, the honest words, words from the heart.

If you want true love, share your true self.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.