Do you ever wonder why some people are mean? What causes their spite?

Hostile people can be male or female, rich or poor, have any skin color, height, or age, and fall anywhere on the education scale. There is no valid description of a mean person. We do know despicable titles such as bully, jerk, murderer, rapist, thief, or child abuser are people who have likely received the wrath of others and have learned hurtful behavior.

In classrooms, I saw many examples of kids who hurt other kids. I learned not to ask, “What’s wrong with you?” But instead, “What’s happened to you? What makes you want to hurt your classmates?”

In counseling, when asked, “What’s happened to you?” a client would often look at me with softness in their eyes as if I were the first person who understood that they were not bad people; they just resorted to hurting someone else—injuring others felt normal–it’s how someone treated them.

If someone batters us and we learn to fear them, we likely give them what they want because we don’t want to be harmed again. We try not to do anything to upset them.

We learn, in a convoluted way, that it is better to be the abuser than the abused. We might despise the bully, but we also admire them because there is something in us that wants to possess their power and control.

Within that example grow victims and bullies. We learn that being nice, kind, sweet, and excellent often gets us nowhere. Being mean might get us in trouble, but lashing out is safer than being hurt. Frequently, the nice guy does finish last.

Our world today values bullies. Isn’t that a sad story? It’s unfortunate in many ways, but being victimized perpetuates mistreating others, and it is a complex problem to solve because the damage is in the past. If we love bullying, abuse, and putdowns, imagine how the aggressive behavior multiplies over generations.

Think about the difference between the two fathers—Ward Cleaver in Leave it to Beaver, filmed from 1957 to 1963, and Archie Bunker in All in the Family, filmed from 1971 to 1979. Today, some forty years later, what we watch on film makes Archie Bunker look like a Disney character.

It’s disturbing to see the increase of acceptance of bad power over civility. Around our world, kindness has lost the race.

If hurt people, hurt people, and being hurt perpetuates hurting others, it can also be true that kindness duplicates kindness.

That’s the story I want for all of us. Kindness, a good power, wins in the end, and the change can start with me and you. Winning with rudeness, crudeness, and hatefulness is a no-win.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.

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