You need better boundaries if you say yes when you want to say no. If people treat you poorly and you don’t address it or step out of the situation, you need better boundaries. If you sense someone expects you to give them your last dollar or the only ten minutes you have free all day, you need better boundaries. If you are more concerned with someone else’s happiness, you guessed it: You need better boundaries.

Boundaries are strong, weak, and/or broken. Imagine a door and a doorknob.

Strong—you have a doorknob between you and the door.  You are in a healthy position to choose what you do and who you interact with.

Weak— the doorknob is on the outside of the door. Others have free access to come and go.

Broken—has no doorknob. It’s called enmeshment.

Having good, healthy boundaries is a learned skill. Whatever you learned as a kid can be unlearned. You can teach people how to treat you. It doesn’t take others long to know if they can treat you disrespectfully, insignificantly, or invisibly. They can do it repeatedly if you don’t believe you deserve better. You are NOT responsible for how someone treats you, they are. But, you ARE responsible for having boundaries that make their behavior acceptable or unacceptable.

If someone treats you with unacceptable words, behavior, or expectations, it is because they can—you let them.

Two basic human needs can contribute to poor boundaries: our need to be accepted and our fear of rejection.

We want people to like us. Younger individuals feel this more strongly than adults. As we get older, we care less about the opinions of others. If doing what someone wants means we are accepted and a part of the group, saying no is very difficult. Rejection can happen if we don’t do what “they” want; rejection is our greatest fear. Call it peer pressure, human nature, or immaturity, but wanting to belong contributes to weak boundaries.

Pay attention to how you feel in different situations. Start saying nice things about yourself to yourself. Practice saying no. See yourself saying no. Move your head from left to right, right to left. Look in the mirror and say “NO!” Practice. Notice you don’t disintegrate or evaporate as you practice this new ‘foreign language.’ Notice that it feels good even though it is awkward and uncomfortable.

Healthy boundaries help keep you safe, gain respect from others, and, more importantly, grow self-respect.

Please remember that healthy boundaries also include saying “yes” when you mean it.

Enjoying life is highly recommended.

How do you rate YOUR boundaries?

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.

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