Dear Abby, who died at 94, once wrote: “If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we’d all be millionaires.”

I believe she is referring to what we have done or not done that we regret—the things that churn in our belly and wake us in the night. Guilt is one of our nastiest emotions. It is right up there with jealousy.

The cost of guilt to our mental health is enormous. The thoughts running around in our heads affect us positively and negatively. They can put a bounce in our step, or keep us from sleeping, laughing, or liking ourselves. Guilt is one culprit and plummets our mental health bank balance. One word or action can throw us into debt.

Carrying guilt around doesn’t aid mental health; it’s like lugging around a sack of bricks every hour of the day and night.

The three best rules concerning guilt:

Think about what you’ll do or say BEFORE you do or say it.
“If you are going to feel guilty, do NOT do it!”
“If you will feel guilty not doing it, DO it!”

Sound simple? It isn’t.

Women seem born with a guilt gene. We can feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Not to say men do not feel guilty, but I once asked a man if he ever felt guilty, and he lowered his chin, furrowed his brows, and said, “Why would I do something that made me feel guilty?” I looked at him with envy and distrust.

Guilt is the discrepancy between what you’ve done versus what you believe you should’ve done. Guilt is feeling bad for what you did. Not to confuse with shame—feeling bad for who you are. Since we usually cannot change what we did, we need to change how we think about what we’ve done.

For example, if you feel guilty about your dirty garage, you can put on your gloves, grab the broom, fill the dumpster, or tell yourself it’s not as bad as the neighbor’s garage.

If we say something nasty to someone, we either need to apologize or convince ourselves what we said was true and warranted.

If our guilt involves dishonesty or betrayal, we need to confess and ask forgiveness of ourselves and the person or people inguiltvolved. Most hurt, not all, can be mended with truth, time, and sincere effort. Fixing it, so to speak, needs to happen sooner rather than later. Like a cirrus cloud that grows into a thunderstorm, the longer we live with guilt, the heavier and darker it grows. Worse scenario, guilt can turn into shame.

Other than for someone with certain mental disorders, it is impossible to have zero guilt. But we can manage it by choosing the best alternative before doing or not doing something and by healing our mental health bank account by trying to correct our wrongs.

We’ve all been there, and yes, guilt is expensive.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

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