‘Fair-fighting’ is a valuable skill to learn

Mitch Albom in Have a Little Faith wrote, “When my wife is mad at me she gets historical. You mean hysterical….no, historical. She brings up everything I’ve ever done wrong in my entire life.” That statement made me laugh because it is a great example of how NOT to fight.

All relationships have disagreements. Arguments are normal and healthy. Learning the skill of fighting fair is important to all of us. If we fight in ways that dump our frustrations with intention of hurting then we are wrong. Our only goal should be to resolve the present issue; nothing more, nothing less.

I was once the coordinator of the mediation (not meditation) program in a large school system. It was a great concept because it provided kids the opportunity to learn how to resolve conflict. We taught them to fight fair.

The process of learning how to fair-fight is the same whether the individuals are two years old or one-hundred and two, or whether there are two people or a group of people:
1) Turn off the TV-computer – radio. Sit across from each other
2) One person begins and tells his/hers side of the story
3) Everyone else listens – no person interrupts or shows disapproval
4) Everyone looks in the eyes of the person who is speaking
5) When the first person is finished speaking the second person begins
6) After the last person finishes speaking each person speaks: “I think the problem is…….”
7) All agree and define the problem
8) Each person commits to what they can personally do to solve/resolve the problem
9) Each person does what they promised to do

In short: speak, listen, problem solve, commit to action, and then do it.

The great thing about this process is that each person is heard and each person has ownership in the solution. Mediation involves being heard and releasing emotions during the speaking step, shifting to the brain and logic during the problem and solution step, and having a better understanding and clear directives after the final step.

If couples and families could make this process routine the metal health of each person and the quality of the relationship/s would be incredibly enhanced. Healthy love and friendship does not happen by magic but with respectful communication, and personal responsibility.

Until the next time: Live while you live!