Are you still seeing clients in the Sterling area? If not, could you please recommend someone for marriage counseling. Thank you.
Retirement
Good morning Jennifer,
This is an old friend from Pickens, I read your new letter all the time and recently I picked up your book and read several stories you wrote about counseling clients, hoping I would find something about my situation but I did not, so I decided to write. I have made the decision to retire in May after 30 years in education. I find myself scared, feeling very uncertain of what lies ahead, I am so used to getting up at 5:00 in the morning for the last 30 years and now at 56 I am questioning, who will I be? There is a sense of ending and used to think that I was good at change but structure is what I know. I feel sad and excited on different days. I just wanted to share and see if you had any advise for me to consider as I am approaching this new chapter in my life. My husband has been retired for 2 years and wanted me to retire so we can travel some, but I think about what do I do when we don’t travel, my social world for so long has been the people I work with and as I look ahead it will feel empty.
Esther Guy
Esther is my mothers cousin. Could you send me a written copy so I can share it with her? I don’t have a copier. I went to Akron high school with you for two years until we moved to Idaho. 1650 east. 3800 north. Buhl , Idaho. 83316
Not wanting to date
How do you deal with highschool if you really don’t want to date but you have guy friends that you hurt by not dating?
Dear high school heartbreak
We can only be responsible for our own feelings. If you have values not to date, that is what you should follow. If your guy friends don’t like it, they will get over it. Never buckle or concede to the wants of others if they are in conflict with your wants and needs. You wake up with yourself in the morning.
Merry Christmas
Dr. J.
Love – not for my spouse
I have feelings for another person – not my spouse. It is wonderful and awful. What do I do? I have kids and a job and a home. What do I do?
Confused
Dear Confused,
My first thought after reading your question was an anonymous quote I heard many years ago:
No one falls in love by
Choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by
Chance, it is by WORK
And, no one falls out of love by
chance, it is by CHOICE.
Author Unknown
I hope the wisdom in those few words helps you make your decision using both your head and heart.
Dr. J.
Until the next time Live while you live
Food disorders at Christmas
I’m in treatment for anorexia and the holidays are really hard. I feel like everyone watches me and expects me to eat like they do.
Stressed
Dear Stressed,
You bring up a great holiday question. Thanks. Many people with food disorders suffer during and holidays. Over-eaters also have similar stress when it comes to all the sweets and abundant tables.
I’m glad you are in treatment because you already have answers to your question. My best additional thought is to trust yourself. Know you have the ability to control your anxiety related to what people think. Stand tall, breathe deep, and focus on people, what they are wearing, and the house decorations. The anxiety is your enemy, not the food or what people might be thinking. Let them think whatever they want. You cannot control someone else’s thoughts.
Make your anxiety your friend. Pay attention to where it is in your body, and welcome it. It is uncomfortable and you do not like it at all, but it is not going to kill you. Learn to control your anxiety and people’s thoughts, and the pressure to perform by eating what is expected, won’t look like the monster chasing you.
Remember to stand tall, take up space, and look everyone in the eye as you visit. Also, don’t forget most holiday events only last a short time, and you can find the strength needed when the situation is temporary.
Sometime large problems have simple solutions.
Dr. J.
Until the next time Live while you live
How does a woman get a little help?
It is ten days from Christmas, and I am already exhausted. I decorated the house, shopped for all the groceries to make holiday candy and cookies, designed and ordered the Christmas cards, all while planning and shopping for everyone’s gifts. I still need to address and mail the cards, wrap the presents, get someone to play Santa, and plan and prepare Christmas Eve and Day dinners for both familes.
My kids are busy with school, and my husband doesn’t really get into the holidays like I do. I just wonder how I can get a little help.
Exhausted
Dear Exhausted,
I felt tired just reading about all you do for the holidays, and you actually DO it.
What would happen if you took four things off your to-do list; the four you enjoy least. I’ll bet when you look in the mirror you don’t see Super Woman. We humans have limits – we truly cannot be all and do all for everyone we love. Don’t be critical of others for not helping, it is your choice to do so much.
Write this on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator: “Do less, enjoy more!” It could change your name from exhausted to excited!
Merry Christmas!
Dr. J.
No gifts from husband
My husband never gets me a Christmas gift, and it really hurts. I have asked him to buy me just a card, but he doesn’t. He says it is stupid to buy gifts just because it’s Christmas. He says he is my gift. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. I always buy him a present, usually three or four. What would you do?
Dear Joni,
I’m not sure why some men don’t get the “Gift Gene,” but truth is, many don’t. I suggest three things:
- Do not expect a gift from him; keep your expectation lined-up with your reality.
- Try to think of his good qualities when you look at him, and not the fact that he, again, will not get you a gift.
- Buy yourself exactly what you want, wrap it beautifully, place it under the tree. Give him a big hug and kiss when you open it, and thank him profusely.
Merry Christmas!
Dr. J.
Christmas and My Mother-In-Law
My mother-in-law is coming for Christmas, which is fine, but she is staying three weeks. Any suggestions?
Dear Sara, I’m sorry.
No matter how great your MIL is, three weeks is punishment. What you need to remember is she is your husband’s mother so release your stress to him. He is the one who should be worrying about what she would like to do, and setting aside time to visit with her.
Put on your best hostess face, include her in the daily tasks of your home, and schedule meetings and appointments while she is there so you can get out of the house once in awhile. That will help the visit be more pleasant for you and for her, and therefore the entire family.
Merry Christmas
Dr. J.