Bullies

Bullies are everywhere: schools, offices, churches, legislature, sports, homes, playgrounds, bedrooms, stores, hospitals, airplanes, etc. Bullies use words, aggressiveness, body language, writing, facial expressions, violence, rejection, and money to control their victims. Bullies feel empowered at the expense of someone else.

If you are a bully, you know it. If you are being bullied, you know that too. When you feel power over someone there is an element of bullying going on. When you feel like a peanut on the floor, you are being bullied. You also know if you have a child, boss, co-worker, or spouse that fits in either category.

Being in denial or ignoring what is going on is not the solution. Supporting or defending the behavior of the bully is even worse. We need to take responsibility if we are the bully, and we need to take responsibility if we are being bullied. We are not responsible for the behavior of someone else, but we are responsible for our own behavior. If you are a bully or support someone else bullying, shame on you. If you are being bullied, learn to take charge.

We are victims of bullying if we don’t take charge and we run risk after risk of being bullied. Fear is usually the emotion keeping us from taking charge of ourselves. It could be fear of losing a job, getting hurt, being wrong, feeling embarrassed, getting in trouble, losing friends, or losing love. These are all legitimate feelings, but it is wrong to let them paralyze us. We need to take the advice of author Susan Jeffers who wrote: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.

We need skills. We must learn how to be assertive and not a victim. Even bullies have learned how to bully. Also, we don’t have to be bullies ourselves to avoid being bullied.

The following suggestions are simple, not easy. Practice when you are in safe situations: at the check-out counter; buying tickets at the theater; visiting with your friends. Practice makes perfect, so practice enough that it is automatic when you feel threatened.

• Say the words. Don’t expect someone to know how you feel. Tell them how you feel and what you need from them.
• Say the words as close to the event as possible. Any time delay minimizes your message.
• Look the person straight in the eye. Don’t take your eyes off their eyes.
• Take up space. Hold your arms away from your body. Stand with your feet six to eight inches apart.
• Develop a strong, long, slower stride. Stand up straight.
• Leave. Hang up. Go off line.
• Have someone with you if you can’t avoid the person/situation. The buddy system works.
• Be smart. Don’t put yourself in situations where you lose your options or support.

These suggestions are appropriate, assertive, and effective. They are simple, not easy. They are relevant for the bully and the bullied. Practice and become skilled. Let them help you become assertive rather than aggressive or passive. Let them help you feel on equal ground. Equality is the goal and part of the solution. Your behavior can make a difference and that is the good news.

Until the next time: Live while you live!