Behavior, not anger, needs management

We’ve all heard of “Anger management.” Anger does not need to be managed; it is the behavior attached to the anger that needs to be managed.

Anger is an emotion just like worry, love, or excitement. There are dozens of definable emotions and anger is just one of them. We all feel anger, and it is the behavior accompanying anger that determines whether it is good or bad.

Emotions we consider positive can also lead to negative behavior. For example, love can lead us to behavior that is risky and unwise; compassion can be the force behind irresponsible financial decision-making; excitement can be at the root of compulsive buying. The culprit is not the emotion, it is the behavior.

Anger is often denied or pushed away. Women are socialized not to be angry. That does not mean we do not feel angry, it just means we cover it up with tears. This doesn’t work so well. It is like covering up an infected wound with a bandage; the infection is still there, it is only camouflaged. Anger, like any other emotion needs to be dealt with. Very serious harm can be the result of unresolved anger. Anger is not to be feared, it is to be expressed appropriately.

Anger is a secondary emotion. We use the word “anger,” but we are really feeling
FEAR – FRUSTRATION – HURT – UNFAIRNESS. Know those four words like you know your passwords. When you have that upset feeling boil up inside of you and you want to explode, think of those four words. Choose the one(s) that identify your true emotion(s). It is far better to discuss our frustrations or what we feel is unfair than it is to shut-down and let the situation fester or blow up.

Identify the source of your anger. If, for example, it is hurt, go to the person who hurt you and speak about your hurt. If you rant, and rage, and throw things, you still won’t feel the same benefit as simply sharing what hurts. Truthful transparency gives you the chance of being understood and implementing change.

Feel the emotions, identify the root of the feeling, and say the words that accurately validate what is most upsetting. With practice you could become skilled at “Anger (Behavior) Management.”

Until the next time: Live while you live