Abuse is not love—love is not abusive

A friend recently told me a guy friend of hers went to an attorney because his wife filed for divorce, and he didn’t want a divorce. The attorney told him if he wanted her to stay, he needed to abuse her.

Understandably, I was appalled. I couldn’t believe an attorney or anyone would suggest such an absurd action.

Shortly after, I watched “It Ends with Us.” It was about a woman who fell in love with a friendly, kind, sweet, and wonderful guy, but he wasn’t. If she said or did anything he didn’t like, rage boiled in his eyes, and he hit her. It was bad.

Several truths come to mind:

She grew up watching her dad hit her mom, sometimes savagely. What we experience as kids skews what is acceptable—even what we know to be wrong becomes normal.

The abuse cycle is accurate. The abuser (who can also be a woman) is so sorry for what he did and promises profusely to never do it again. Forgiveness happens, and life goes on until the next abuse happens. It is a cycle—very seldom is it one and done.

Social norms and religious beliefs, like it is a sin to divorce, enter into the decision not to leave the relationship.

Family responsibilities and guilt of “breaking” up a family also tie people into continued abuse and making excuses for visible or invisible bruises.

And, of course, it is often the imbalance of finances and, therefore, power that feeds the fear of leaving and the tolerance of abuse.

In the movie, the woman ends up pregnant, and she leaves her abusive guy when she holds her baby girl for the first time. She is strong enough and wise enough to stop the abuse that has plagued her entire life because she doesn’t want her daughter to carry on the cycle.

So, for the attorney, shame on him. Abused women or men stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons. But, to advise someone to begin abusing is ludicrous and wrong. The thought of a trusted professional suggesting such a thing increases my blood pressure.

I’m glad I heard the story because abuse is alive and needs to be addressed, even in our little heaven-on-earth town. Just because one hits and gets the desired response, such as obedience, that does not make it right. The end does not justify the means.

Abuse can stop, but even with counseling, the bully seldom chooses to lose or give away power. They blame, shame, and hit because they can’t or don’t control themselves.

But, counseling can be so very helpful for the abused who need to escape a life of fear, lies, and possible death.

Abuse is not love, and love is not abusive—don’t confuse them.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.