Challenging is the word I think of when family and friends experience dementia. It seems to creep in slowly and never goes away. Dementia is a noticeable adjustment for the person with the disorder, as it is for those living with or around them. It is also disturbing and stressful.

My sister has been in an excellent Arizona group home for over three years. I’m thankful to have her still, but I feel so sad to prematurely lose the vibrant, witty, informed, and creative person I so enjoyed. When I call or see her, she is still cheery and tries hard to connect, but helping her feel good about herself instead of being confused and incompetent is up to me.

I have a friend who is the sole caregiver for her declining husband, and as I observe, because of her knowledge and commitment, he is thriving. On the other hand, she worries about him day and night and feels guilty when she leaves the house to get groceries. She needs to handle him cautiously, as he quickly attacks verbally. She has tried to find sitters or good facilities, but services, quality options, and finances are barriers. The children live across the country and give the situation little attention because Mom or Dad handles it.

She found and shared a list titled “Living with Dementia.” It helped us both, and I hope it helps you. The examples also relate to Alzheimer’s.

1. Agree, never argue. (“I know.”)

2. Divert, never reason. (“Let’s watch a movie.”)

3. Distract, never shame (“Try this, it might work.”)

4. Reminisce, never say, “Remember.” (“We walked many miles in that park—it was so fun.”)

5. Repeat, never say, “I told you.” (“This is the button you push to answer the phone.”)

6. Do what they can do, never say, “You can’t.” (“Good idea, look for a puppy in the paper.”)

7. Ask, never demand. (“Can you hand me that pencil?”)

8. Encourage, never condescend. (“Good job!”)

9. Reinforce, never force. (“Let me show you.”)

These suggestions are relevant and valuable, but using them consistently is difficult—caregivers are human, and nobody’s a living saint. They naturally get tired, frustrated, discouraged, hurt, and angry. It is more challenging when they don’t get a break. They need support, the ability to get out of the house without guilt or worry, and someone to share their understandable thoughts and emotions without self-degradation. A few undesirable reactions from a caregiver don’t mean their loved one isn’t loved.

Dementia is similar to parenting, except watching a child grow is far more enjoyable than watching a friend or family member decline and fade away.

If this makes sense, please do what I did and share it with a valuable caregiver.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.

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