When someone shows you who they are, believe them

A phone client, in tears, presented this amended scenario: “I met a wonderful man a month ago, and we were immediately attracted. We have seen each other every day since we met. We were so happy! He invited me to dinner on my birthday and then made lame excuses and never showed up. He only returned one text, and I am confused and lost. I love him. Should I give him a second chance if he calls and wants to try again?”

My answer was short and to the point: “No”

It is not uncommon for someone to be overly attracted to someone for the wrong reasons. When bells and whistles go off a first sight, run like a deer. Call it what it is—a red flag.

Here is a five-step process for finding and building a healthy love relationship:

Attraction: you like how a person looks, acts, speaks, etc. You are attracted to them.

Uncertainty: A time to get to know each other: What do they like to do? How do they act when around your friends? What do they hope for in life? Do they have or want a family? How do they feel about their parents? Do they abuse drugs or alcohol? How do they manage their money? Are they moody? Respectful? Do they have a sexually transmitted disease? Do they balance work and leisure? Are they lazy? This step takes time and a lot of courage. Smart people, who care about themselves, make this step mandatory before moving forward.

Exclusivity: Have the conversation and make a dual decision about whether you will be the only intimate partner for each other.

Intimacy: Sex is the last thing that should happen.

Commitment: The pledge, the promise, the foundation of a genuine love relationship.

What usually happens is a couple will go from #1 to #4 and skip over #2 and #3, leaving #5 difficult, if not impossible. The couple then must play catch-up, and the results are often fear, frustration, hurt, and unfairness—anger. If the relationship lasts, both parties worked hard to fill-in the spaces—not much fun.

Had my client gone about the relationship using the five steps outlined above, she would have seen that his “love” was convenience, lust, loneliness, or a challenge. It wasn’t the love she desired or deserved.

It is okay to give people second chances, but don’t fool yourself into believing the behavior is isolated. When a man or a woman shows you who they are, believe them. What they do once, they can do twice, three times, four times, et cetera.

Until the next time: Live while you live.