It’s been nearly five months since my husband died, and in the last couple of weeks, I can say, “I am doing better.” A bit of darkness has lifted, I focus more successfully, and looking forward is not as foreign.
I close these weekly articles with, “Live while you live.” In the last two-plus years, when my husband’s illness began, and his health slowly deteriorated, I have lived slower. Life was cloudy, and my thoughts held hostage first in fear of the unknown—then in the hope of successful treatment, and now, in the sadness of loss plus lack of future direction. Life after loss inhibited my imagination for possibilities.
The twentieth anniversary of 9/11 was impactful for me. Tears came as I 
watched the various tributes and recalled my place in the world on that day. The song lyrics by Billy Ray Cyrus, “All gave some, and some gave all,” grew more meaningful. Gratefulness, for so many things, was my takeaway for the day. All the coverage and activities provided a safe setting for me to grieve out loud.
Death is too complex to explain. All I can do is share my experience and hope it helps you relate, at some level, if you’ve had similar feelings, struggles, and growth in the aftermath of a significant loss.
One challenging aspect of grieving is nobody else can understand because no two people experience the same loss the same way. As a counselor, I can listen and offer information and ideas, but I always say, “I have no way of knowing what you are going through.” One surviving 9-11 spouse said it well, “You don’t move on, you move in.” I get it.
Another reflection shared was about the ash covering everything after the towers fell, “The world was covered in gray.” The exact words might describe grieving. Today, I’m saying the dust in my world is beginning to blow away, uncovering occasional tiny sparkles.
My husband and I loved NYC. We visited Ground Zero at various stages of the cleanup and construction of the memorial and museum. I’ve taken two granddaughters to the respectful and reverent site. The process of Ground
Zero recovery is similar to individual grief. Initially, it was overwhelming and had us stuck in horror and fear. Slowly, debris was saved or hauled away, and rumbles of disagreement detoured the progress. After years of negotiations and hard labor, the tragic setting became home to inspiration and strength—the same is true when losing a loved one; if we stay on track, our loss, not forgotten, will repair and rebuild.
Lucky for us, we have living examples of people healing and feeling whole again. Life will never be the same; that is impossible, but we will become okay if we balance remembering, forgetting, and accepting.
I want to thank everyone who has listened, guided, and supported me in my grieving journey. I will, again, “Live while I live.” So will you.
Until the next time: Live while you live.
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Oh my gosh Jennifer, I had no idea as I left the Briarwood after my husband Paul died.
Paul left me on July 11th. I’m so sorry for your lost as I know you will be for mine. Let me know if you ever want to get together for lunch or whatever!
Geri, thank you, and of course, I think of you too. It is a good thing we are so tough:) I am in CO and not sure what is ahead for me, but it would be nice to meet for lunch when I get back to AZ. Message me your phone number.
Thank you for answering my message so quickly. My cell is 602-885-6434. Right now I’m living with my son and family as I sold my house. I’m moving tho, up west on Bell to 72nd. It’s retirement living homes called Happy Trails. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Take good care of yourself, Being alone isn’t easy and most have to go thru it, and now it’s just our turn. Hugs, Geri
Geri, I’m so glad you found a good safe place to live. I hope it matches its name:) Living alone is lonely, especially after having someone vibrant in our daily hours. But, you are right, it happens to most and now it’s our turn. When I get to AZ, I will definitely call. You take good care of YOU! I hope you were able to bring your art supplies to your new home. I find immersing myself in an art project really helps.
Very well said, Jennifer❣️
Marva, I’m glad:) That’s my goal, and I appreciate knowing I get a message across:)
Thank you Jennifer! This one really spoke to me. I am doing better after the loss of our daughter-in-law, Gretchen. But some days I still can’t believe it. Our son, Scott, seems to be doing ok. He did find a Grief Share group to join. I pray that will help him heal. Mark & I took Scott on a 10 day vacation the end of August. That was good for all of us. But this article said it well. No one knows how another is grieving. And yes, the whole summer seemed to be covered in gray. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and wisdom with us.
Kerry, So nice to hear from you. The grief group is a great choice. It can be helpful to hear from others how you are feeling too. Knowing you’re not alone in your dark place can be comforting. Your 10 days together was also a good choice. The fact that he agreed to go with you is a good sign that he is doing better. Loss is so heavy, and if we take care of ourselves by eating right, getting enough sleep, and hanging out with authentic people, the weight is lifted day by day–we need to be aware and celebrate any little change.
So well stated, Jennifer. Thanks for always sharing your heart! Grief is such a process. I continue to hold you up in prayer, asking the Lord to carry you through…and He will. Love & hugs, Linda 🙂
Thank you, Linda. Grief is such a process, and a little slower than I would like:) Thank you for your prayers!
I had never seen this illustration, it says it all. There are stages of life, we know it, but don’t really get the meaning until we’ve lived in that stage. Like many sayings it’s just a saying until you really internalize it, which usually means living in it for a time and in some cases, until your in the next stage
Well said, Harold. I too love the illustration. I hesitated to use it because I couldn’t remember where I saw it, but I love pictures that say more than hundreds of words. Stages of life; I work every day at being grateful I’ve lived long enough to experience them. There are days though, that I’m not so glad I have to face it all.
I so related to everything you said about grieving. It is the hardest & most personal experience I’ve ever been through. Of course it never ends, I have found, but Thanks to God, it gets better & easier to live with. Love & blessings to you.
Thanks, Vicky, I hear you:) I think it must all make us wiser. I can only hope, anyway. Also, we don’t get a lot of choice. We get “over it,” so to speak, or we don’t, and the latter is not a good thought:)