Forgive those who don’t deserve your tears

This coming Monday, the 6th, is Labor Day. President Grover Cleveland, in 1894, designated the first Monday of September as a federal holiday. Celebrated initially to honor unions, Labor Day is now the last hoopla of summer and is often associated with school beginning and abounding retail sales.

To me, work is a first-class privilege, and I’m glad it has its special day. There are countless ways to work, and as Labor Day approaches, take a minute to think about forgiveness, one of the heavy labors of mental health. Yes, mental wellness takes diligent work, and holding on to hurtful, unjust, unkind, mean, nasty, or unthinking words and behavior is the root of many emotional wounds. Inability or refusal to forgive is like continually scratching a scab, preventing healing, and allowing bacteria to grow and spread.

Forgiveness involves accepting, not denying, what happened. Give up the would-a could-a, and should-a of past violations. It happened, it is over, and that’s it. Forgiveness is NOT about forgetting or condoning. Wrong is wrong. It is about sticking the event’s details in the far back corner of your memory and elevating your today-self to a brighter place. Forgiving moves you from the dungeon to the sunroom. Yes, it is hard labor to forgive, but the benefits are abundant.

Do you need to forgive someone? Not forgiving hurts only you—the abuser likely doesn’t feel any pain from your grudge. Keeping the event vivid in your mind never allows the fear, frustration, hurt, or unfairness to shrink. The abusers win far after the event has passed because you don’t let the experience die–you keep it alive by talking about it and rerunning it in your thoughts.

On this upcoming holiday, remember most worthwhile accomplishments, including mental wellness, require hard labor. If you need to forgive someone, make sure to forgive yourself first. Just like love, we must forgive ourselves before forgiving someone else. The person in the mirror is often the most difficult one to love and forgive.

Whether forgiving involves ourselves or others, it equals freedom– freedom from depression, anxiety, and oppression caused by reliving and analyzing what is over and done. The burden of holding on and not letting go is not conducive to mental wellness.

On Labor Day weekend, celebrate your work at home and on the job, but don’t forget emotional labor is also worthy of your time and effort. Forgive yourself, and then forgive those who don’t deserve your tears.

Until the next time: Live while you live.