Many people, my age, have lost a spouse. I can spout the steps of the grief cycle from books and classes, but I lost my husband to a long, tough battle with cancer on April 29, and I’m a mess.
The books haven’t prepared me for near-total lack of concentration and focus: the mental confusion of where I am in the physical world and zero short-term memory. Numbness makes me worry I have onset Alzheimer’s. It’s scary.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. wrote the book “On Death and Dying” in 1969, and it still stands as the primary resource on the subject of loss, grief, and dying. It involves five stages. Denial: “This can’t be happening to me!” Anger: “Why me? It’s not fair! Who’s to blame?” Bargaining: “I promise to ……..Please….” Depression: “I’m so sad. What’s the use?” Acceptance: “My world is going to be okay!”
My husband went through the first four stages during his cancer diagnosis and treatments, as did I. But here I am, starting again at a whole new level of grief. At the writing of this article, I am a week and two days out from his passing, and I have experienced none of those five steps. My husband was sick and getting sicker for two years: There was no denial. As for bargaining, I wouldn’t wish him to suffer one more minute. Tears are about anger, and I was certainly angry at nasty cancer, but I didn’t cry with angry energy. I was naturally sad but not depressed. The first day I was sad for him, and every day since, I have been sorry for me. I now have to live without him.
Words to describe the first week are shock: I expected him to have several more months. Relief: He doesn’t have to suffer anymore. Fear: Of the future. Duties: A lot of detail and expectation falls on the shoulders of the spouse. Gratitude: For the family who helped and cared and took things off my plate when they could see, I was overwhelmed. They didn’t just ask. They showed up and took charge.
I’m likely stepping around and through all the stages. It hasn’t hit me that we will never share happenings of our day—never look forward to the next fun trip together—never dine at great restaurants—and never kiss goodnight. Our marriage was far more than a commitment; it was a slow development of routines and connections. Many things I grew to depend on and trust left with his death.
“Never” is the word I can’t wrap my head around. I still look at the time and unconsciously think he will soon burst through the door, hug me, and say, “Let’s go to Mi Ranchito.”
Until the next time: Live while you live.
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Oh my gosh Jennifer, I am SO, so sorry to hear this. I just don’t know what to say! Unbelievable. If there’s anything I can do please let me know. If you ever want to get together please let me know that also. I’ll be here for you!
Thank you, Geri. It has been a tough time for sure. I am in CO and not sure when I will be in AZ. I dropped club membership, and not sure what I am going to do as far as living location. Thank you for all your kind words. We had a good run!
Great article sis. I think of you everyday and you are in my prayers. I so feel for you and let me know if I can help in any way. Love you.
Thank you, Doris. You have already helped me so much. So thankful you were here with me. We must never lose contact.
Jennifer, you have been in thought and prayer since I heard about your husband losing his battle with cancer. I like the fact that you can share and it be so personal and helpful at the same time. I don’t think a book can ever truly prepare us for what we individually go through but in an underlying way it does help. Hugs for you lady!
Thank you Kellie. It has been a ride for sure. I am glad to share, I know my experience is not the same as everyone else, but I hope it lets people know that that whatever their process, it is okay. Hugs right back!
Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss. I had not heard. I can’t imagine. Love and healing to you. Brenda
Thank you, Brenda. It certainly has been hard, but I just try to hang on to the great times we shared. Nice to hear from you:)
Thank you Jennifer for your amazing insight. May God walk with you on this next road of your life.
Thank you Bev. God has never left me alone before, so I’m sure he plans to be by my side through this too. Thank Heaven faith is strong in my life, as I know it is in yours.
I’m so sorry. What a terrible loss. My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Thank you, Davina. I so appreciate your thoughts and prayers!
I find that much later my grief is centered around hopes and plans for our lives together will never happen. I am sorry for your loss.
Thank you, Montelle. Yes, lots of unfinished fun, for sure. But, we had many, many great times. We played well together. Thanks again.
Jennifer I was so shocked to learn of Cals passing.. stupid cancer. Thank you for writing this article at such a tough time in your life .. it hit home with me while I too am dealing with loss .. Mom..
Take care Jennifer… what would we do without family
Hi, Tanna – stupid cancer is right. I am so sorry to hear of your mom’s passing. Rick Glosson told me once, “There is never a good time to lose your mom.” I thought it a perfect and true statement. Sending you a big hug!
Oh Jennifer, how my heart aches for you! Please know we share the burden of your grief & your loss and pray for you continually! Cal will always have a special place in our hearts!!
Linda, I know he will. He held you both in such high esteem also. Thank you for your prayers and concern. Life will certainly be different. Big hug to you both!