I’ll never get to see them again

I’ve had a tough week—my second oldest sister passed on January 10th. She was in a wonderful group home in Arizona where she had loving caregivers and excellent care, but I wasn’t there when she passed. She had dementia, and they told me she died peacefully. She just stopped breathing. She was tired and ready and the kind of person who went after what she wanted.

I tell you this quick scenario as a lead into talking about death again.

As we age, we naturally lose friends and family and then our own lives. We know that because it is unavoidable and around us all the time. The obituaries in the paper keep the truth visible.

I’ve had three difficult deaths since 2017—sister, husband, sister. My experience of letting them go is varied—each affecting me differently. I always thought the death of a loved one had one truth: “I’ll never get to see them again.” That’s my hardest part, but there’s much more.

We won’t get to see them again in this earthly state, but each death is unique because those left to grieve are unique, and all relationships differ. Loss, especially the finality of death, is complex and has many levels. I’m sharing mine in the hope that it helps you somehow.

I had more guilt with one than the others—mainly because death was unexpected, and I judged myself harshly for being less available and attentive. (Frustration—Denial)

With one, I learned more about cancer and hospitals than I ever wanted to know, and then COVID left memories of watching my loved one walk away, day after day alone because I was not allowed to accompany them. (Unfairness—Bargaining)

One withered away slowly. My presence or identity was no longer acknowledged, and the realization of loss happened long before death. (Hurt—Depression)

All left a hole in my heart, ranging from dark-dark to medium and light. When I think about how each lived and the circumstances around their death, I feel gratitude for having them—pure thankfulness. I also feel relief they have freedom from pain and suffering. (Releasing)

The three losses also cause me to think of my mortality—how am I going to leave this earth? (Fear—Faith)

My musings this morning helped me organize my emotions. Thank you all for listening.

While pondering what I wrote, I see the elements of anger and the grieving process. (In parentheses behind each bulleted sentence) They are interchangeable but very present. Anger is about fear, frustration, hurt, and unfairness. Grieving involves bargaining, denial, depression, anger, and finally, a sense of release—it’s okay, all is in order.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.