What I’ve learned about suicide

I’ve worked with many people who are left to survive after a suicide. The stories are tragic, and the despair is warranted, accurate, and often crippling.

Here’s a bit of what I’ve learned about suicide:

It does not discriminate based on a person’s color, religion, politics, sex, national origin, age, disability, talent, genetic information, or financial status.

It’s a painful conversation and often, sadly, avoided.

Initial knowledge of an adult suicide makes me sad and angry.

Knowledge of a child or teen suicide makes me ache.

It causes damage without a chance for solutions.

It’s a way out, but not a good way out.

It affects families for generations.

The suicidal person lies to themselves—”Nobody cares, loves me, or will miss me—I am nothing.” It’s not true, but it is how they feel.

The suicidal person says, “I can’t do this anymore.” With help, they could.

Suicide rates increased by over 7% between 2020 and 2022.

Social media is an addictive culprit—a false friend.

If someone close to you has killed themselves, it becomes an option for their circle of family and friends when times get tough: “Uncle Harvey did.”

Pain and sadness can improve—suicide is forever.

It’s a sad choice at any level.

It’s needless—problems have solutions.

It causes rippling and lasting heartache, nightmares, and hopelessness.

Addiction is often a chosen painkiller but a damaging choice.

Blaming yourself or someone else is common and less painful than blaming your loved one who took the pills or pulled the trigger.

It is shameful—suicide often becomes a family secret.

Mainly, it is tragic, with no chance of a do-over.

Guilt and shame are brutal emotions and are nearly always present in those trying to move through suicide.

Our culture does not embrace death and dying, but death by suicide is often perceived to be sinful—a belief not constructive to those cycling around loss and grief due to another’s decision. They want to believe their loved one goes to Heaven because they were good.

I share my thoughts to help normalize what you might experience in the shock of unexpected tragedy. There is no handbook for dealing with suicide. There is nothing normal about suicide or our reactions. The last thing we need to do is criticize and beat ourselves up for our feelings and reactions. We are human, and blaming and shaming might help release tension in the moment, but it is not a sustainable reality, nor would you want it to be.

Even though your loved one is gone because of their choices, you can still love them with all your heart–love heals.

Until the next time: Live while you live.

Jennifer Goble, Ph.D., LPC, is the author of “My Clients…My Teachers,” and the blogger and writer of Rural Women Stories: www.ruralwomenstories.com.